Life, Death, and Taxonomy
“…and today we’re talking about petite pink primates in plush parkas. But more on that later.”
In the highlands of Japan, one tufty monkey likes to season its food, play in the snow, and waylay unsuspecting people in its free time. It uses all of its simian smarts to quickly learn new behaviors and then use them against their human interlopers. But being a pink-faced eskimo in a cold climate means you need to use every means at your disposal to survive here in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about lipstick?! In my Honduran white bat?!”
The apostle Paul was known as a tent-maker, which could mean that he created a shelter of hope for the gentiles in the first century. It could also mean that he created actual tents since it costs money to travel the known world. Probably both. But there’s one creature that doesn’t use tent-making as a side hustle – the Honduran White Bat. When you’re a tiny bat in a big world, you gotta use what you got to survive here in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about the pink panther of the river. But more on that later.”
The Amazon River is one of the world’s longest rivers and flows through some of the most biologically fascinating places on Earth. It’s home to all manner of animals, but what you may not have known is that it’s also home to an apex predator. It’s not the jaguar, the caiman, the anaconda, or even the giant otter – it’s a dolphin. A pinkish smiling fish-killer, the Amazon River Dolphin uses a well-known but not well-understood method for staying on the hunt in the murky waters of the Amazon. But sometimes you just gotta use your melon to stay at the top here in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about a great big plant-based carnivore, but more on that later.”
When you have a particular problem you call in a specialist. In nature, specialists give up traditional paths to get very good at one thing. It usually refers to the place they live and the food they eat. In China’s mountain forests, a vegetarian carnivore has decided to go green. But investing all your resources into a single opportunity makes you vulnerable to changes in the market. The giant panda is a rare treasure in nature, but shifts in their home land have threatened the pandas Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about the mountain lamb that the Lord provided. Literally, because it’s just a wild sheep.”
If you’re in America’s western snow capped regions and you hear a sudden crack that echoes through mountains, it might not be thunder. If that cracking continues at periodic intervals for close to an hour, you may be listening to a clash of titans. No, it’s not Greek deities battling atop Olympus. Its two rival sheep showing eachother what they’re made of in a test of strength and endurance. But sometimes victory means using your head in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
Welcome to the beloved Measure Up segment. The official listener’s favorite part of the show! The part of the show when we present the animal’s size and dimension in relatable terms through a quiz that’s fun for the whole family. It’s also the part of the show that’s introduced by you when you send in audio of yourself saying, singing, or chittering the words Measure Up into ldtaxonomy at gmail dot com. We don’t have a new Measure Up intro this week.
Male Length
Male Weight
Bighorns can deliver a headbutt at 35 mph with enough power to instantly kill a human being. The impact of two males butting heads can be heard from a mile away. In fact, the impact generated by two sparing bighorns is the most force created by any sheep species. It’s estimated that they can generate 3400 N of force in a single blow.
That’s around 764 pounds of force that bighorn sheep take for hours. Estimates suggest that it could take around 551 pounds of force to break a human skull. Sorry GoT fans, the Mountain couldn’t really do it, but mountaineering bighorn sheep could.
Bighorns have large thick horns on the top of their heads. These are distinct from antlers, which are 100% made of bone. Horns are certain that surround a boney core. Antlers usually fall off and regrow regularly, but bighorn horns stick around.
These horns connect directly to the skull and there’s a thick layer of skull at the base of each horn. This skull base also has holes in it in a honey-comb pattern. While that may sound like it makes them less durable, it actually allows their skull to absorb more impact than solid bone.
The proteins that form the keratin sheath grow faster on the outward forward facing edge, which is useful for creating extra padding in the impact zone, but it also gives the horn it’s signature curl. These horns can grow to be up to 40 pounds on a full grown male.
The closest things humans come to experiencing this is NFL football players. Big hits can potentially reach up to 970 pounds of force, spread over their entire bodies and mitigated by padding and falling over. Bighorn sheep do this hundreds of times in an afternoon with the force concentrated directly onto their heads with almost no give to mitigate the impact. Football players routinely experience concussions and other lifelong injures, but the bighorn can do this with no problems.
Ending: So stick together, keep an eye out for predators, and keep your head down when defending your territory like the bighorn sheep here in LDT.
“…and today we’re talking about a mongoose most foul. But more on that later.”
The savannah is a brutal place for the animals that call it home. Between lions, leopards, and hyenas, many of the mammals that populate Africa’s jungles and plains are built with sharp claws and powerful jaws. But when it comes to violence against an animal’s own kind, researchers have found that these big fearsome predators aren’t the most murderous. Instead, a small, unassuming species of mongoose accept this grim accolade. But what makes the meerkat so deadly? It’s a fact that shows that nature is sometimes cruel in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about the devil down under and his horrifying night time death screams.”
Far from the reckless, neckless monstrosity that Warner Brothers uses to move their cartoon plots along, the real Tasmanian Devil is a semi-cute mongoose pig that will eat anything that comes across its path. From its brutal and competitive birth to its habit of sumo wrestling its neighbors for food, this little carnivore lives the austere, battle-hardened life of a Viking or a Spartan. But ferocity and selfishness seem to go a long way when it comes to surviving in the wilds of Tasmania here on Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…And today we’re talking about Marco Polo’s thick unicorn! But more on that later.”
Grazing along the African savannah, the white rhino keeps his ears peeled for the danger bird – despite not having many predators to worry about. When opportunity squawks, the rhino definitely listens. But the classic symbiotic relationship between the rhino the oxpecker may benefit the bird more than the mammal. But animals take what they can and give nothin’ back here in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about a creature that looks like it specced into every skill tree. But more on that later.”
In the land down under, there’s dwelleth a strange mammal that looks like an otter that glued a bunch of other animal parts onto its body. The platypus is famous not only for its odd look, but also for its odd behavior. But bills and tails aren’t the only trick the platypus has picked up. It also has some offensive and defensive traits that make it the most interesting animal in the world. But that’s just how you survive in Australia here in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.
“…and today we’re talking about one of the most famous sea animals of all time. The white hat to the black hat of the great white shark. Though, PR can be deceiving. But more on that later…”
When life kicks mud in your face, most of us, and most animals, would give up or bemoan our misfortune. But the bottlenose dolphin is smarter than that. It takes that mud and makes some lemonade, which isn’t a great material to make lemonade out of. But it gets the job done when it comes to tricking a bunch of fish to jump directly into your open jaws. But that’s just how the bottlenose snatches up its supper here in Life, Death, and Taxonomy.